Why am I obsessed with my boyfriend’s ex girlfriends? It’s getting to the point where it’s annoying. My bf has a tattoo of
his ex girlfriend's name on his ribs that drives me crazy! Is it just girls that get cheated on that do this or
do all sorts of people? How do I get over this?
That ex girlfriend's name on your boyfriend ribs brings up many emotions in you: anger, inadequacy, jealousy and fear
just to name a few. You feel this way because you're assuming this girl must have been something really special for
him to tattoo her name on him. Maybe even “the one”. When you think of your boyfriend loving somebody so much that he tattooed
her name on him, it brings up the thought of “Why
her? Why not
ME?… that bitch!” And there's also a lot of anger towards her for effectively stamping her name on him.
You feel undeserving, and that leads to you feel not enough for him… which leads to anger…which leads to jealousy…which
leads to grief. It is true that our ex girlfriends and boyfriends will hold a special spot in us that rarely go away.
Sometimes they will be there for
life, and this goes for both your boyfriend and
you too. However the only reason for your grief is that you feel not good enough in comparison. By feeling this way
you can actually lead your boyfriend to feel the same way. How you feel about yourself is how you are “training” your
boyfriend to feel about you, so start feeling good enough and 100% deserving of true love and happiness. I said that
your exes will also hold a special place in you too. What do I mean by this? The main reason why you are so obsessed
is because you have done the
…Maybe they're not a physical tattoo but, tattooed
memories of your own exes that will never leave. You are engaging in a process psychologists call “projection”. You
believe other are doing what you have or would do given the same set of circumstances. We think about exes and
there is NO problem with this. The problem comes in when we feel
about thinking of past lovers.
Guilt creates an absolute MESS out of things. Not only do we feel guilty for our own mistakes, but we also assume others
should feel the same. So, you think your boyfriend thinks about his exes because you do too… and all of the regret,
guilt and wishing things could have worked out better… And then you feel it is something
wrong because whenever you think about
your exes, you feel it is wrong. But these thoughts of past lovers arising is
natural. It's nothing to feel guilty about and nothing to be judged for. It's just like MEMORY FOAM. The
deeper you press your hand into it, the deeper and longer the imprints stays. And your boyfriend's particular way
of showing HIS imprints with his past lover was a tattoo. The memories of your boyfriend's ex will always be there…
even if you travel around the world three times and make a wish! And like I said, it in no way means she was “the one
that got away”. It simply means in that MOMENT, he loved her enough to tattoo himself.
That’s not the point. You will think about an awesome trip to Disneyland in the same way!
But, your trust in people has been burned in the past.
Your trust in
him is burnt.
You have gone to Disneyland, the happiest place on earth, and been
flung out of the Indiana Jones ride, and ever since you have feared going back.
So, this projected blame and obsession comes up.
Chances are, I think you don't trust very many people… if any… maybe not even yourself.
The fact that you are talking about being cheated on is proof enough.
So, there are two directions you can go with this:
Fear and regret… OR… Love and gratitude.
Thing is, how you choose to look at this whole situation
will influence him as well.
If you are afraid and don't trust him, he will resent you and pull away.
If you trust, love and accept him, he will want to be closer to you.
If you distrust him, it will stop you from opening up to him and wanting him to open up as well.
He needs to open up to
More than likely
he has very rarely opened up to
anybody in his entire life.
Men are very shut down.
Men build big walls around their hearts, and then when they
do open up and get hurt, they reinforce the walls with steel, concrete and attack K9 dogs.
But, you can create your own doorway.
Right now the communication channel between you two is pretty closed down… and you don't know WHAT will happen if
you suddenly start communicating openly.
Has he cheated on you? Flirted with other girls? Does he dislike something about you?
The fear keeps coming up and keeps you from wanting to know.
But truth is you are
in a relationship
with this person. Trust is not an option at this point to the survival of the relationship… it is an
think they are in relationships and they lie continuously and withhold truths from each other?
It's nothing more than a political war.
If he thinks you have never cheated and he has, you have that power.
If you think he has never cheated and you have, you will feel guilt and tip toe around sensitive subjects.
It's such useless power struggling.
Your resentment of him and his ex incapacitates you from opening up to him… And because you won't open,
he won't open.
Communication is contagious.
How you communicate, honestly or otherwise, will influence how
Mark it well!
You have to BE open to get openness. If you continue down this road of passive resentment/frustration, you will be seeing
him taking a second look at
Opening up the communication channels is like giving your relationship illegal steroids (without side effects).
Things begin to change
Do it without judgment, condescension, fear or anger.
do it and put your own shit aside.
Just communication with love.
And you must respect his truth
whatever it may be.
He'll be reluctant to talk about his deep personal stuff. He is afraid of your judgment, so you must learn
Once he has learned that he can open up to you, you simply ask and out it comes.
Then, you are onto the road of deepening your connection with him.
But there is another, more deep situation, one that plagues the collective feminine…
You ENJOY the feeling of being jealous.
Hmm… say what?
You drive yourself into a corner with jealousy.
On one hand you hate feeling jealous and on the other hand you
One half of you wants to feel your man is desirable and feel desirable by being with him, and the other half wants him
all for yourself.
You become split right down the middle. You become psychotic.
I'm always asked why women are psychotic. It is because they trap themselves in validation.
Men don't worry about validation as much, and thus they are less psychotic.
Women are constantly worried about how they appear to others, if their hair is cute, their makeup, their sense of humor,
This splits them down the middle.
Lust is not love.
98% of women live in lust/validation and yet say they want love.
It's no wonder why they go crazy.
They want one thing and buy into another.
So, the jealousy validates him as an attractive, desirable boyfriend feeling which validates you.
And you talk to
all of your friends about it too.
Not only do you converse liberally about it, but also you
having to complain to your girlfriends that you have such a desirable boyfriend.
And so you become split. In need of love but seeking out validation.
Your obsession has less to do with your boyfriend's ex girlfriends, and more to do with validation.
Look, love is a wild breeze and validation is a concrete prison.
Love makes you whole and healthy.
Validation makes you split in two and twisted.
To get out of this whole trap, you must let go of the obsession for validation.
Let go of the drug addiction to validation.
Getting a hit of validation, like someone says your hair looks nice, is like a hit of drugs, causes the obsession to
Then more of the drug is needed.
Soon you have nothing left but your drug addiction.
You become empty inside; just an obsessive addiction to validation.
beautiful women in the world are also the most insecure and addicted to validation. They have acquired the drug
addiction. Take their beauty away and their life is ruined… just like taking the bottle away from an alcoholic.
The more of an addict one becomes, the more of the drug is needed.
A small amount won't due anymore.
Now a larger amount is needed, and in a year's time triple that amount, and so on.
This can really sting to hear at first!
But, it can take you into an absolutely lush, amazing world… like FernGully. Validation is the destroyer and the the
rain forest is what we want to save. Ha. 😉
And for what? Where is the important place validation is getting you to? NOWHERE
It's a fruitless journey.
There is no reward, It's just a cycle of gain and loss.
When you lose your obsession for worry and the obsession for worrying of what people think of you and you unplug the
the power cord to it all, you notice something interesting happen: you begin to worry less and less.
Worry begins to drop without any effort at all, and there is no forcing it.
It just happens. You finally, for the first time, feel comfortable in your own skin.
Then an interesting thing happens: you relax.
It begins to bubble up out of nowhere.
And the more you don't try to force it, the more it comes.
Forcing it is just as violent on you as the psychosis of the validation seeking.
There is no forcing, not even any doing. Just sitting back, looking and enjoying.
You begin to feel the feverish chatter of the mind
clear and the tension falls away. And soon enough, you see beauty wherever you go.
You see rainbows where there once were none. The scent in the air is particularly crisp and colors are more vivid than
they have been since childhood.
You become relaxed and non-possessive. You become free and no longer a slave of needing to possess someone.
And then you are ready for my whole teaching of non-possessive love.
You become the perfect lover, non-possessive, loving, conscious.
And it was all by doing less and less… Becoming unmotivated and allowing the energy that you were freely giving away
to people in return for validation to accumulate.
Give up the obsession.
It is an experience so wild, so juicy, so potent and plentiful that tears come to the eyes.
It's as simple as love and non-neediness.
It's a place where amazing things occur, miracles in fact.
Fearlessness becomes an absolute truth. The ballsy, risk taking side of you arises from the depth of your soul without
you having to force anything.
It just comes on its own. All the while the most lush, bliss of love begins to flood the body.
much more you must understand if you're to make your man find you irresistible, emotionally attracted, and
want to be and stay in a relationship with you. That's why I created my free Relationship Advice eLetter, where
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