Self-improvement happens to a woman who does not accept herself.
When she doesn't accept herself – and the non-acceptance comes from guilt – she becomes driven to improve and to become something unnatural than what she really is.
“Self-improvement is masturbation” is a quote from the movie Fight Club.
I actually didn't understand the quote for the longest time… I was too busy trying to improve!
Only when I stopped trying to improve myself and began to accept myself exactly the way I was did I realize exactly what it means.
When you want to improve upon yourself, you are dissatisfied with the way you are.
If you want to improve a house, you don’t like it the way it is. If you want to improve a car, you don’t like it the way it is. But when it comes to self improvement, not accepting yourself is a death sentence to happiness.
You start reading books and you begin to stop living life.
A heart full of love has no desire to become something else. When you are in love, love is all that is needed.
The Beatles hit the nail on the head when they wrote “All You Need is Love”.
When there is love, what possible reason would one have to improve upon it? There is none.
But many people have no love, and when love is gone there is fear.
So, the loveless and dead ego sees a necessity to improvement on the self.
A voice inside says “There's nothing inside here it scares me… Let's do something about it!”
Your logic says “I don't have it so I will go get it.”
Living life without love is like trying to drive a car without oil. There’s just metal grinding and clanking up against metal without lubrication, without something soothing to coat everything.
A car without oil is very loud. It sounds just like a jackhammer with all of the metal clanking around.
We intuitively know that feeling good and love is THE way to go, and today it seems self-improvement is the path of choice for most.
The greatest irony is that when we do accept ourselves and even to seemingly ridiculous and painful circumstances, we become what we were trying to improve to in the first place.
It doesn’t come as a result of trying to get somewhere, it comes as a result of relaxing.
Trying to get somewhere is the opposite direction of where happiness and love is.
There is no doing or trying required at all, just relaxing… just enjoying life!
Then, out of nowhere without even looking for it, love floods a person’s body like a hurricane.
It's the truest way.
You get somewhere with self-improvement, but it’s a very watered down version of the real thing… the same way that masturbation is a watered down version of passionate, experimental, 12 hour long Tantric love making.
The point of self-improvement is to be happy, but happiness can't be attained like a trophy.
It’s something that is already there inside of you and on occasion – like at a party, with a lover, riding down a rollercoaster – it gets released for some fresh air.
It's always right there in you, but guilt, fear and mindless restlessness keeps it from coming out. You need to get rid of all the “junk” you don't need in there. The inner is MORE important than the outer.
Happiness is “achieved” by getting rid of the junk that piles up rather than finding it somewhere.
Guilt, fear and the restlessness must be let go of, and when I say they must be let go of, there is no effort involved. You simply unplug the power cord. It takes energy for your body and mind to function, and how that energy is used is up to you. The energy needs your cooperation.
As soon as that happens, relaxation becomes possible, the base of love. It sweeps over one like the night sky at dusk.
When this relaxation comes, love comes. When a person is so full of love and happiness, what need is there to improve upon it? When a beautiful, attractive lover is around to have sex with, what need is there to masturbate? It’s ridiculous and unnecessary! In fact there is no desire to do so.
When you have the real thing, the false thing no longer has any value. The love and relaxation happens right then and there, right now.
A relationship is one of the most illogical things. There is nothing wrong with this, in fact, this is one of the many things that make a relationship absolutely beautiful.
The problem comes when a person attempts to make a relationship something logical, something with reason.
Relationships, love, happiness, relaxation are all beyond the edge of reason. You will never know them by staying in what is familiar, staying in what you know and have taken apart and figured out like a Lego set. To be in a relationship, and to actually be happy in it, you have to let go of any kind of logic you are holding onto. You must through away the Lego directions and build whatever it is that is coming from within you.
Here’s a logic that many women are familiar with: “I feel like I need to be doing something right now, and if I don’t I shouldn’t be able to relax. I don’t deserve it. I don’t deserve to relax.” How ever illogical this sounds, it has a very fundamental logic to it. The logic being if she doesn’t do, if she’s inactive at any moment and not stressed to the brim, she is undeserving… but this is a complete irony! Because she does and feels compelled to be stressed, this is why she feels undeserving.
And this logic stems to even more of this kind. It begins to grow like a giant weed in a beautiful garden. Then it’s “I cannot love this person because I am too angry and unhappy” then to “I hate this person because they have wronged me”. The chain can continue to grow like this.
When you trap your love life into the realm of logic, this happens. Just how logic is a dead thing, the relationship becomes a dead thing. Finding love becomes a dead thing, mechanical. Love, the life force of a relationship wilts, dries up and turns to dust. You then find yourself bored and tired and struggling against those feelings of trying or becoming stressed to make this thing work.
To be in love with a lover, and especially yourself (which is most important), you have to forget any kind of reason for anything. There is no reason to feel happy. There isn’t a reason to be in love. Love and happiness are completely without any logic and are completely against it. When the logic goes out the window, then a very interesting thing takes place: one begins to relax finally.
It’s no wonder why science, society and every other logical entity is completely against it. It’s no wonder why our logical society is so devoid of love. That is very important to understand. It’s because love and happiness are of the most fundamental states of our being. It’s no wonder why everyone wants to be happy. They want to feel natural again, the way they did when they were 4 years old playing in a sandbox, escavating for buried treasure for absolutely no reason at all.
You can’t do anything to be happy, in fact it’s quite the opposite. The way to become happy, in love is to stop doing… to become relaxed. Relaxation is when you stop doing. You quit thinking, you give up your obsession of wanting to be perfect, you give up your need for approval from others, you let go of anything and everything your work stresses you about and you simply relax. This is the doorway to happiness.
By letting go, by relaxing, there’s a tendency for a fear to arise: “once I relax, things are going to go south.” You’ll be relaxed and things will begin to go wrong everywhere because you aren’t on edge to see what is going on. The blood vessels in your eyes aren’t bulgy, achy and red enough to watch for danger at every moment anymore. “If I let go, what will my life become?”
This is just another thing to be let go of. The logic has been running the show for so long that it has taken control of your entire being, like a virus. Logic is just a part of you, one that should be kept in its place.
You will see that as you begin to not do, you will begin to accumulate energy. You’re tanks will be filled and instead of running around on empty all of the time, trying to fill up at every moment only to waste what you had by taking the energy to fill up again. You will have a FULL tank.
And because you are full, you bring that same energy into your relationship.
Look, if you still think that relationships have anything to do with the other person, relationships are 80% you and 20% the other. As much as we want to believe that there’s someone out there that can solve our problems, it’s really us, and there will be many layers to go through. You will peel through one layer and then another will come up.
The trick is to just look at it as it does. No reason to do anything, just look at it as if you were looking at a bonfire burning away at night on a calm beach. Look at is as if you were looking at waves crashing as they came into shore. No need to put any effort into the layers that come up, you get more accomplished through not doing anything about it than if you were to try to do something. You don’t peel the layers off, the layers peel themselves off.
If we choose to live only in the logical world, that of rules, your job, streets, time grid, everything around you that can be measured, we will suck the life force out of ourselves, out of our relationships and we will live without love in the heart. We will be living out of harmony with our illogical nature and will continue to carry around a feeling of powerlessness.
If we learn to accept the illogical world, we let go of the need to do and just pull back and do nothing. Then a great beauty sweeps over us without any trying, without any doing. Without even wanting it, it just happens.