Emotions in relationships can be blinding, especially when fear comes up….fear about him cheating, thinking about other women, being angry at you or even leaving and never finding love in your life.
But here's the thing.
Fear is one of the most blinding emotions there are, because it “rationalizes” all of the reasons why you should be afraid.
This is why I (and many of my relationship expert friends) say to be careful of which emotions you decide to believe are true.
What do I mean by “decide to believe”?
If you feel a feeling of fear, for instance, it makes “logical sense” to believe that the feeling is justified and right because of all the reasons that show it's rights…when in reality it's actually not.
Here's what I mean.
Many women I coach are afraid of their boyfriend leaving.
They become so afraid that they become paralyzed and do NOTHING to help the situation. They are so consumed with the fear they can hardly breathe.
Instead, they make things WORSE by getting emotional with men, frustrated with him and begging him not to leave.
I know that's a hard to admit, but we've all done it.
All of these things tell a man that a woman is not “girlfriend material” and actually make him want to leave.
It's hard to believe, but if this point isn't accepted you'll continue to make men see you as not attractive and “forgettable”…even though he isn't doing his share (which we'll talk about later).
The point is fear makes you act wrongly with men.
Your fear says that the worst case scenario is happening when in fact it's NOT…and it's even possible that just the opposite is happening.
Carl Jung, famed social psychologist, tells of a story of a poor old man who discovered something MAGICAL while beginning to plow his farm for the start of the season, and destroys his only tool the plow.
This old man had less in his bank account than Britney Spears….
He was dirt poor, his wife and children had just left him for another man and all he had was his farm, an ox and an old plow.
He had started plowing his field for the start of the season when almost immediately his plow hit a large immovable object in the ground and immediately broke his plow in two.
He couldn't believe it. It was all he had!
He became afraid and so angry. “What am I going to do now…I have nothing left…You lied to me god! Why?!” He started crying and began thinking of suicide, when he thought…
“What did my plow hit anyway?”
He walked over to the spot his broken-in-two plow struck and curiously saw a big shiny golden ring sticking up halfway out of the ground.
He thought “This is strange…”
He began digging the strange ring up out of the ground, but it was attached to something much larger stuck deeper in the ground.
He spent an hour digging and heaved it up out of the ground. And when he pulled it up, it was a giant, heavy wooden chest.
When he cracked it open he COULDN'T BELIEVE what he saw. A chest filled the brim with gold doubloons , diamonds the size of fists, emeralds and rubies.
Where was the fear now?
In his greatest defeat was his greatest triumph.
That's to say that fear BLINDS. In your greatest fear is a great treasure if you know what to look for and how to see it.
Here's the next thing that's going to be a little harder for me to explain to you.
Another emotions that wouldn't suspect so easily to blind you is love.
Love is one of the most profound things on this earth (if not the most), but if you're not careful love can blind you in much the same way that fear does.
Because love can overwhelm your judgment if you're not careful.
That's why I always say to women who come to me that a woman MUST have some sort of meditation she practices if she's to have any hope of having a decent relationship. She needs to own her own willpower and just do it.
I have more than 20 different meditation I show women who come to me for coaching or try one of my products.
If you don't have one, you can be RULED by your emotions and become “asleep” to what's really happening in your love life.
The feminine world can be a scary place! I've never been there myself (thank god…), but I've seen what happens many times with my own two eyes.
It's so scary and chaotic that not even women seem to know what women want…
But the point is what do you think this blind view does to her love life, her relationship?Instead of a bonfire burning to keep her warm, her emotions turn into a wildfire burning every tree, animal and sign of life.
The feminine world has great power to be chaotic in a relationship, but it has all the power to bring life to it.
Here's the “secret”.
If you become what I call “yin feminine”, your emotions become attractive to men and cause men to want to bring love to your love life.
When you're balanced “yin” (and it's not hard to get there with the right information at hand), your emotions are attractive to men, and cause men to move towards you…and even want to be a better man for you.
Sometimes it's unreal how one little change can cause such a shift in love. But a fire can either keep you alive or kill you.
If you want to learn how to better balance your emotions and learn how you're emotions can actually be used to make you more attractive to a man, I highly recommend you signing up for my free “Confessions Of A Relationship Expert” eLetter.
You can do that right here:
Click Here For Brandon’s “Confessions Of A Relationship Expert” eLetter
Thanks for listening to my psychobabble hocus-pocus and I'll talk to you again soon. 🙂
With balance and love,
Man and woman are attracted to each other for one simple reason, polarity.
But there in lies a problem. Men and women are attracted to each other because they are opposite energies of each other. But because men and women are opposites, there is bound to be friction between them!
Men and women see the world in completely different ways.
Men are always thinking about the future, goals, plans and ambitions.
Women are thinking about things more tangible, here and now, relationships, people, school drama.Men have a sense of direction, women have no idea which way north is.
Men are more powerful and women are more loving.
A man is not very here and now. A woman sucks him into the now more than anything else. And there is nothing that can give a woman a better sense of purpose and direction in life than a man.
One one hand, polarity brings men and women together, and on the other hand, it is what causes the most friction.
Polarity is very passionate. If you want passion in your relationship, polarity is the first thing to get handled. This is why you can see two lovers fighting 'til dawn one second and then having wild make up sex the next. And they always say their make up sex is the very best!
The fighting and love are on very similar energies. It on the same energy path as a matter of fact. That's why if you fall in love, you are doomed from the very start. The fights will happen. There's no way around it! It's in the very nature of things.
There comes a time when the heat of the love turns sour and becomes anger. Then the couple starts fighting at the drop of a hat. Eventually, they can't stand each other.
The same polarity that brought them together now creates fricition. Men and women are opposites so it's only natural when people see thing in very opposing ways, they fight. Hence you will never see more arguing and fighting than in a relationship.
You would think after thousands of year of being and loving each other, someone, man or woman, would have come to know each other a little better! And yet the strangest thing is men and women live as if they are on two separate planets. They are NOT from two separate planets, but they act like it!
So the question naturally arises “How do I stop the fighting and arguing in a relationship?”
The only way to do so is by beginning to understand your opposite.When the passion of the polarity is turned into compassion, a change happens. His masculine energy begins to heal you rather than insult you.
Women always tell me “He doesn't understand me!” The man sees the feminine energy as insulting when his love goes sour. And the case is not so different in reverse. In fact, that's why the focus of attention is there, because these women are trying to learn how to understand him themselves.
The change comes in the form of meditation. It has to be meditation. There is no other way. Any other form that will ever work will only be a form of meditation. So why not head towards the very source?
Meditation can HEAL your relationship. It heals it because of the compassion and awareness it promotes.
So a word to the wise – *MEDITATE*. 😉
And when I say meditation, I mean meditation on the heart. This is the whole meaning when I say “heart consciousness”. I might as well rename it “How to understand men consciousness”!
Meditation is what builds you a little Venusian space shuttle to head over to Mars, pick up the men and then drive back to earth!
If you don't know where to start, start out by doing some Yoga classes at your local Yoga center.
Then the polarity, instead of becoming sour and full of anger, becomes reborn with love every moment.
The past baggage falls away, the guilt falls away, the blame falls away and all that is left is love and polarity.
Two lovers become like a yin yang, pulling together but buffered with love and compassion for the other.
If you have a meditation you would like to reveal, I would love to hear them. I have a lot of people asking me for different meditations so please post them if you would like to share!
Have you ever been with a man who you really enjoyed and who enjoyed you, but when the time came to take things to the “next level”, you were willing move up, but he wasn’t?
Maybe he even gave you nice excuses like “I’m not ready for a committed relationship.”
“I need my freedom.”
But somehow, you knew that there was something else going on?
Why is getting a guy to COMMIT to one woman an insurmountable task?
Why are so many guys commitment phobes?
I’m about to expose to you IN DETAIL everything you’ve ever wanted to know about getting a man to commit…sound good?
Honestly, this is not a subject that needs addressing.
This is an insignificant challenge if you follow me on all of the other things I go on blathering about.
But, there’s too much pandemonium around this topic, so much that I absolutely must give you the straight facts on this situation.
But women worry about their future.
Here’s a fact.
The most future oriented woman doesn’t come close to the least future oriented man. Most women worry about their future, much more than men.
But men are the opposite.
Men are more comfortable with their future plans and ambitions and worry more about right now. The most “present” man is nowhere close to the least present focused woman. Men actually have a much harder time playing and enjoying, much more than women.
Women are natural partiers…men are natural planners. That’s what we feel most comfortable with.
Let me explain.
When a woman hears about a social event that she must go to, she doesn’t think twice about preparing herself, getting dressed and made up to go.
When a man hears about the same things, he stumbles around and “weighs his options”.
A girl feels more uncomfortable with their future while guys end up more uncomfortable with the celebration of right now.
Women celebrate constantly. Compared to guys, girls celebrate ALL OF THE TIME. Make no mistake.
It may not seem like it, but a man’s world is entirely different.
A woman can look at her entire life as a celebration, she can look at everything with “serendipity”. Everything is occurring as a long celebration.
Men only celebrate when invited to celebrate. And even then, many men find it hard to open up to it. They only manage to get a few minutes of celebration in before they feel uncomfortable. Even while celebrating he is somehow looking for a goal!
This is among the reasons why men like women and women like men. Men bring women a future and women bring men celebration.
Point to be learned?
Women Worry About The Long-Term While Men Worry About The Short-Term
Girls have the impending fear of growing older. It seems to always be lurking there in the back of her mind.
Because of the fear, she makes the most of right NOW. She’s young, vibrant and wants to celebrate it. The future, to her is some far off thing. And she is respected the most by society when she is YOUNG.
Feminine youth is celebrated to an incredible extent.
Men are not at all respected when they are young. Men are seen as sex addicted punks. Men only become respected when they mature and age and BECOME respectable.
Men ripen with age. Women decay with age.
By the time a woman hits a certain age, she is thrown out, rejected by society. She is no longer valued.
If you’ve ever wondered where the feverish restlessness comes from for needing so badly to get married and needing to secure her future before it falls out from under her, this is where it comes from.
Even from the beginning, girls are already thinking about marriage at the age of five!
They have their barbies and fantasize about marrying prince charming…which doesn’t happen as easily as she hoped for.
This is the whole “polarity” of men and women. A woman wants a man to be able to secure her future a man wants a woman to help him enjoy his life right now.
Women enjoy love, men enjoy freedom.
So the question is, how do you get a guy to want love?
This all leads to a fear of commitment in the long term for a man.
His “youthfulness” is rejected and he begins to obsess about, in the same way a woman’s “oldness” is rejected and she obsesses about it.
To handle ANY kind of commitment objections, take your relationships and dating experiences with him as a TODAY EVENT ONLY. You simply tell him “Our relationship/dating/whatever is a today event only, and if we should be together again tomorrow, then that is how it will be. But as long as we are together right now, I want to be with you completely.”
It’s not hard to do this!
A man wants freedom, so you simply give him what he thinks he wants! We love the people we love because they give us what we need, so give him what he needs.
The words aren’t as important as the energy behind the words. If you can be calm and playful with this, he’ll think you are the coolest woman alive.
You must let go of the fear of losing him. This is a basic pillar of relationships that needs to be taken care of immediately. In my world, it goes without saying!
Let me say it again.
*You must let go of the fear of losing him*
The fear of losing him only pushes him away, so drop the idea.
The thought of saying something like the above quote automatically strikes fear into the heart of many women I teach.
Because they’re “needy” for the man. They want to possess him and make sure he will never leave her.
I’m all for making miracles happen, I’ve seen MANY CRAZY things happen in relationships that are almost unbelievable, but this is not something that can make a miracle happen.
90% of women fear their man leaving them…and you know what?
90% of these women are left by the man…and they start wondering “What did I do wrong?”
The fear actually makes him pull away.
Most relationships today are VERY possessive.
Here, I teach you to allow him to be free.
Remember, he has come to you out of his own freewill because he felt GOOD around you and wanted to stick around you to continue the good feelings. If he wishes to stay, he should do so out of that same freedom.
Here’s the twist.
Allowing his freedom causes him to STAY.
Would YOU want someone around who wants to possess you?
Probably in most circumstances you’ve been in with men who became needy, you began to need more and more “space”. It might have even repulsed you.
It’s the same thing for a guy too.
And when you begin to look at relationships in this way, the relationship itself is able to BREATH. It gets a shot of adrenaline and is resuscitated.
Just like having all of the windows in your house open and allowing a fresh breeze to come in.
But you enjoy that breeze so much that you shut all of the windows to close it in. But soon, very soon, that air turns sour.
But, you didn’t realize your joy of it came from it’s freedom!
The freedom of that breeze to pass in and out of your house is what made it so cool, gentle, relaxing as it moved freely across your face.
Once you tried to possess it by closing all of the windows, it turned warm, stale and smelly.
See what I mean?
We can always plan for tomorrow, but we really never know what it will bring until it’s here. People get into marriage prepared to commit their entire lives together, and do you know what happens? More than 50% fail and the other 50% are miserable. They are absolutely miserable, don’t fool yourself into believing otherwise.
There are only a few exceptions, and they are the ones who get and follow what I’m saying here.
Most marriages are unhappy, angry, fight, bicker, cheat, lie all the way until death do they part.
But, love thrives on this moment only!
You can’t say for certain that you will love someone in 40 years time
All you know is that right NOW you feel like you can spend the rest of your life with this person. Right NOW. And let that be as beautiful as it wants to be.
There’s something else that needs to be said.
This thing psychologists go on about waiting two years before you getting hitched because that’s when the hormones die and you can think more clearly about your decision is a CROCK. Whether its two hours, a day or five years, the future is STILL uncertain.
I’ve had many couple come to me after being together for a day who have the same problems as a couple that has been together 16 years.
Some are together for a week, get married and live happily ever after. Some are together 14 years, get married and regret it the 15th year.
From the many women I’ve coached in relationships, the happiest, most successful couples have dropped the idea that they will be with someone forever.
They come to me with an illusion of how they want things to be like that even THEY know is hollow.
That’s when it becomes a possibility. But it is not a possibility as long as you hold onto the belief. You give your relationship it’s best source of nourishment, freedom and love only when you become free yourself.
True love eludes most women because the second it comes into their life, they try too hard to keep it from leaving, but the very effort kills the love. Love is very fragile, and just like the guy himself, love must be given its freedom.
The same possessiveness that destroys the feeling of love is the same feeling of possessiveness that drives men away.
But, this fear of insecurity causes many problems. Love is insecure. Love comes and goes as it pleases, and we try to hold onto it for as long as possible, until our tight grip squeezes it slowly to death.
Love, relationships, dating is a very gentle thing. It’s just like a flower. Even the slightest bit too much pressure on a flower can crush it and make the beautiful petals start to fall off until it looks more like a weed. A marriage puts massive amounts of pressure on both lovers to hold up to impossibilities that can’t be attained by the heart, by love.
Marriage wants commitment, but love is a free thing. marriage is cold, but love is warm. Marriage becomes boring, but love is always entertaining.
One with too much commitment of the unknown future will cause not death to the relationship, but death to the happiness of the individuals that make up the relationship.
Do you want a relationship to avoid loneliness to actually be happy and in love?
Somedays you will be unloyal to your lover and will want to do things a different way than he does. Some days you will not love. Some days you will love. There is no telling, but marriage does not account for that.
If you want a man to marry you and commit to the long term, you simply give him the option of making that choice. You want the man to commit, it has to be his choice to do so.
There is a need for room to breath, gentleness and no possessiveness. This is a very subtle mechanism that MUST be understood.
And the absolute irony is when we begin to look at it this way, the relationship THRIVES. And when the relationship thrives, it goes down the most ideal direction: a relationship filled to the brim with love and happiness. What more could you want?
When the pressure is taken off, all of a sudden, instead of feeling backed into a corner, he suddenly feels a freedom to choose. The pressure on both of your shoulders is suddenly lifted. And if the love is there, the choice will be absolutely clearly for love.
But you are afraid of giving him his freedom and finding out that the love is not there. The fact is, if you follow what I tell you – non-possessiveness, freedom, love, vibrancy, relaxation etc. etc. – you will automatically know why he is with you, out of love.
And these are not things that can be faked, games that can be played. No. They must come straight out of your authenticity. Only then will you know he is there for love out of YOU, not the game playing mask you put on. You mustn’t be afraid to shine your cryptic Dracula-like innards out into the light.
The relationship is allowed to breath and grow. We begin to accept this lover for exactly who they are, and it becomes a sheer delight.
Worry disappears. It just disappears like morning overcast in the sun.
But, the second you trick yourself into possessing him, you’re heart becomes broken. He cannot be possessed, and you know it. He is just as free as you are.
To get a guy to commit to you, you simply stop asking commitment of him!
Very risky indeed… but there are two possibilities:
Men adore a laid back woman who doesn’t ask the impossible of him, who doesn’t pressure him. Drop female competition. Some is cute, too much is a nightmare for a guy.
Men love a woman who is relaxed and vibrant, not restless.
And then when you get rid of the possessiveness, and it’s as simple as unplugging a power cord, and become relaxed about your future and confidently believe and expect things to workout for you in it’s due time, all of the crisis falls away.
You can be in a committed relationship, but remember that each and every day it is a relationship, not by the years down into the untold future.
Whether you believe it or not, this is the reality.
When you live out of line with that truth, that’s when all of the pressure begins to build and the commitment problems arise like a typhoon.
When you live in line with this truth, all of the anxiety in the relationship turns into gratitude for having such a wonderful lover in your life today.
Read my FREE “Male Psychology Secrets” eLetter & learn exclusive secrets about men, dating and relationships.
There are different levels that a person goes through on the relationship journey.
Specifically in my experience, there are three levels.
Why am I obsessed with my boyfriend’s ex girlfriends? It’s getting to the point where it’s annoying. My bf has a tattoo of
his ex girlfriend's name on his ribs that drives me crazy! Is it just girls that get cheated on that do this or
do all sorts of people? How do I get over this?
That ex girlfriend's name on your boyfriend ribs brings up many emotions in you: anger, inadequacy, jealousy and fear
just to name a few. You feel this way because you're assuming this girl must have been something really special for
him to tattoo her name on him. Maybe even “the one”. When you think of your boyfriend loving somebody so much that he tattooed
her name on him, it brings up the thought of “Why
her? Why not
ME?… that bitch!” And there's also a lot of anger towards her for effectively stamping her name on him.
You feel undeserving, and that leads to you feel not enough for him… which leads to anger…which leads to jealousy…which
leads to grief. It is true that our ex girlfriends and boyfriends will hold a special spot in us that rarely go away.
Sometimes they will be there for
life, and this goes for both your boyfriend and
you too. However the only reason for your grief is that you feel not good enough in comparison. By feeling this way
you can actually lead your boyfriend to feel the same way. How you feel about yourself is how you are “training” your
boyfriend to feel about you, so start feeling good enough and 100% deserving of true love and happiness. I said that
your exes will also hold a special place in you too. What do I mean by this? The main reason why you are so obsessed
is because you have done the
…Maybe they're not a physical tattoo but, tattooed
memories of your own exes that will never leave. You are engaging in a process psychologists call “projection”. You
believe other are doing what you have or would do given the same set of circumstances. We think about exes and
there is NO problem with this. The problem comes in when we feel
about thinking of past lovers.
Guilt creates an absolute MESS out of things. Not only do we feel guilty for our own mistakes, but we also assume others
should feel the same. So, you think your boyfriend thinks about his exes because you do too… and all of the regret,
guilt and wishing things could have worked out better… And then you feel it is something
wrong because whenever you think about
your exes, you feel it is wrong. But these thoughts of past lovers arising is
natural. It's nothing to feel guilty about and nothing to be judged for. It's just like MEMORY FOAM. The
deeper you press your hand into it, the deeper and longer the imprints stays. And your boyfriend's particular way
of showing HIS imprints with his past lover was a tattoo. The memories of your boyfriend's ex will always be there…
even if you travel around the world three times and make a wish! And like I said, it in no way means she was “the one
that got away”. It simply means in that MOMENT, he loved her enough to tattoo himself.
That’s not the point. You will think about an awesome trip to Disneyland in the same way!
But, your trust in people has been burned in the past.
Your trust in
him is burnt.
You have gone to Disneyland, the happiest place on earth, and been
flung out of the Indiana Jones ride, and ever since you have feared going back.
So, this projected blame and obsession comes up.
Chances are, I think you don't trust very many people… if any… maybe not even yourself.
The fact that you are talking about being cheated on is proof enough.
So, there are two directions you can go with this:
Fear and regret… OR… Love and gratitude.
Thing is, how you choose to look at this whole situation
will influence him as well.
If you are afraid and don't trust him, he will resent you and pull away.
If you trust, love and accept him, he will want to be closer to you.
If you distrust him, it will stop you from opening up to him and wanting him to open up as well.
He needs to open up to
More than likely
he has very rarely opened up to
anybody in his entire life.
Men are very shut down.
Men build big walls around their hearts, and then when they
do open up and get hurt, they reinforce the walls with steel, concrete and attack K9 dogs.
But, you can create your own doorway.
Right now the communication channel between you two is pretty closed down… and you don't know WHAT will happen if
you suddenly start communicating openly.
Has he cheated on you? Flirted with other girls? Does he dislike something about you?
The fear keeps coming up and keeps you from wanting to know.
But truth is you are
in a relationship
with this person. Trust is not an option at this point to the survival of the relationship… it is an
think they are in relationships and they lie continuously and withhold truths from each other?
It's nothing more than a political war.
If he thinks you have never cheated and he has, you have that power.
If you think he has never cheated and you have, you will feel guilt and tip toe around sensitive subjects.
It's such useless power struggling.
Your resentment of him and his ex incapacitates you from opening up to him… And because you won't open,
he won't open.
Communication is contagious.
How you communicate, honestly or otherwise, will influence how
Mark it well!
You have to BE open to get openness. If you continue down this road of passive resentment/frustration, you will be seeing
him taking a second look at
Opening up the communication channels is like giving your relationship illegal steroids (without side effects).
Things begin to change
Do it without judgment, condescension, fear or anger.
do it and put your own shit aside.
Just communication with love.
And you must respect his truth
whatever it may be.
He'll be reluctant to talk about his deep personal stuff. He is afraid of your judgment, so you must learn
Once he has learned that he can open up to you, you simply ask and out it comes.
Then, you are onto the road of deepening your connection with him.
But there is another, more deep situation, one that plagues the collective feminine…
You ENJOY the feeling of being jealous.
Hmm… say what?
You drive yourself into a corner with jealousy.
On one hand you hate feeling jealous and on the other hand you
One half of you wants to feel your man is desirable and feel desirable by being with him, and the other half wants him
all for yourself.
You become split right down the middle. You become psychotic.
I'm always asked why women are psychotic. It is because they trap themselves in validation.
Men don't worry about validation as much, and thus they are less psychotic.
Women are constantly worried about how they appear to others, if their hair is cute, their makeup, their sense of humor,
This splits them down the middle.
Lust is not love.
98% of women live in lust/validation and yet say they want love.
It's no wonder why they go crazy.
They want one thing and buy into another.
So, the jealousy validates him as an attractive, desirable boyfriend feeling which validates you.
And you talk to
all of your friends about it too.
Not only do you converse liberally about it, but also you
having to complain to your girlfriends that you have such a desirable boyfriend.
And so you become split. In need of love but seeking out validation.
Your obsession has less to do with your boyfriend's ex girlfriends, and more to do with validation.
Look, love is a wild breeze and validation is a concrete prison.
Love makes you whole and healthy.
Validation makes you split in two and twisted.
To get out of this whole trap, you must let go of the obsession for validation.
Let go of the drug addiction to validation.
Getting a hit of validation, like someone says your hair looks nice, is like a hit of drugs, causes the obsession to
Then more of the drug is needed.
Soon you have nothing left but your drug addiction.
You become empty inside; just an obsessive addiction to validation.
beautiful women in the world are also the most insecure and addicted to validation. They have acquired the drug
addiction. Take their beauty away and their life is ruined… just like taking the bottle away from an alcoholic.
The more of an addict one becomes, the more of the drug is needed.
A small amount won't due anymore.
Now a larger amount is needed, and in a year's time triple that amount, and so on.
This can really sting to hear at first!
But, it can take you into an absolutely lush, amazing world… like FernGully. Validation is the destroyer and the the
rain forest is what we want to save. Ha. 😉
And for what? Where is the important place validation is getting you to? NOWHERE
It's a fruitless journey.
There is no reward, It's just a cycle of gain and loss.
When you lose your obsession for worry and the obsession for worrying of what people think of you and you unplug the
the power cord to it all, you notice something interesting happen: you begin to worry less and less.
Worry begins to drop without any effort at all, and there is no forcing it.
It just happens. You finally, for the first time, feel comfortable in your own skin.
Then an interesting thing happens: you relax.
It begins to bubble up out of nowhere.
And the more you don't try to force it, the more it comes.
Forcing it is just as violent on you as the psychosis of the validation seeking.
There is no forcing, not even any doing. Just sitting back, looking and enjoying.
You begin to feel the feverish chatter of the mind
clear and the tension falls away. And soon enough, you see beauty wherever you go.
You see rainbows where there once were none. The scent in the air is particularly crisp and colors are more vivid than
they have been since childhood.
You become relaxed and non-possessive. You become free and no longer a slave of needing to possess someone.
And then you are ready for my whole teaching of non-possessive love.
You become the perfect lover, non-possessive, loving, conscious.
And it was all by doing less and less… Becoming unmotivated and allowing the energy that you were freely giving away
to people in return for validation to accumulate.
Give up the obsession.
It is an experience so wild, so juicy, so potent and plentiful that tears come to the eyes.
It's as simple as love and non-neediness.
It's a place where amazing things occur, miracles in fact.
Fearlessness becomes an absolute truth. The ballsy, risk taking side of you arises from the depth of your soul without
you having to force anything.
It just comes on its own. All the while the most lush, bliss of love begins to flood the body.
much more you must understand if you're to make your man find you irresistible, emotionally attracted, and
want to be and stay in a relationship with you. That's why I created my free Relationship Advice eLetter, where
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NOTE: If you haven't read the first History of the Sexual World, Part 1 , read it before reading this one.
I'm about to “crack the code” of the love and relationship climate we all live in today.
In the previous post, we learned that we're living in what I call the Phase Two Equals.
This phase is the most important of all to understand because it's the situation we live in right now.
In fact, I don't even want to call it the “equals” phase anymore.
It needs a more suitable name… like The Revenge Phase.
Yeah I like!
It needs to be called the “Revenge Phase” because if you haven't noticed, there is a HUGE rivalry between the sexes today.
It seems like a playful rivalry, but once you get into a long term relationship, 3 years down the line those playful shots at him become REALITIES and vice versa.
Thing is, most people live in FEAR rather than love.
Remember, if everybody loved as much as they say they did, if parents loved their children and friends truly loved their friends, this world would be a completely different place.
But instead, we live under HEAPS of fear.
If you go to the bottom of even everyday interactions, almost all of them are based in fear.
Have you ever gone out to a clothing store and saw somebody you knew, but you didn't want to talk to them so you dove into the bra section?
Yeah I thought so. 🙂
So, it's only natural that once women began to come out of centuries of oppression from men, they wanted revenge.
When we are afraid, we like to attack.
When countries are afraid of each other, they start building more bombs.
When people are afraid of each other, they start rumors and insight fights.
(If you don't understand what I mean when I say “love and fear”, you can check out my post Love and Fear).
I mean I would have done the same!
Often times, fear breeds more fear. The feminist movement of the 60's and 70's was based on hate and fear as contradictory as it may seem.
Otherwise, what need is there to revolt?
If it was fueled with loved, there would have been no marches, rallies or protesting. You would have been at home sipping tea, feeling fine!
Women were breaking away from what they were used to. When we are freed of a certain circumstance that we fear, there's a tendency to swing to the opposite polarity. The same way butch women are butch because they fear their femininity.
Swinging to the opposite creates new issues.
In the American Revolution, when the time came to choose a type of government, they swung to the opposite of a monarch. They wanted NO central government, and now we are presented with NEW issues.
The pendulum hasn't yet become at rest.
We live in a relationship era where polarity is seldom found. Most women live in fear and many men feel dominated by women sexually.
Tons and tons of men have “mommy syndrome”. The men of today's mommies wanted to make damn sure that their boys wouldn't be the abusive jerks that they were dating and ended up leaving them.
Women as a collective are living a very peculiar life today. They have more sexual power over men than they have ever had, yet they have never been more afraid of men in history.
It happens all the time when I go and talk to a woman, from the second I say “Hi”, she feels the fear serge up through her bones. I can visibly see it happening! Her voice shakes, she stutters, her eyes dart around, head tilts down… in other words, she gets pretty weird. She's not used to feeling so out of control with a man other than with daddy when she was a wee one. She feels no trust in herself, and because she can't trust herself, she doesn't trust anybody else. She knows it's polarity that she wants, but she is terrified.
She is in a very subtle, subconscious state of revenge against men that carried over from Mommy and Mommy's mommy. The revenge holds her back more than she could ever realize.
Most women fear men. She is simply lost. Women haven't grown much because of this fear and revenge. It seems that way, but really it's just that men have become submissive and women feel a lot more powerful over them now. Men are pacified. It's the same as winning the Olympics if you are normal and healthy at the Special Olympics.
Men are also affected by the revenge. That's why many times men are either idiotic macho football jackasses or submissive and weak. It's even more funny to me that so many women settle for the football jack asses just because it's closer to what they want. It's no wonder why so many women are obsessed with chick flicks and romantic comedies.
If you're a woman and think this isn't you, unless you were raised in very unique circumstances, like raised by Native American shamans in a tree house in the Amazonian jungle, there's a 99% chance this is deeply embedded into your psyche.
Put simply, the current relationship atmosphere is doused in fear.
But I'm telling you that when a well balanced, strong, confident, attractive and in touch with his feminine side man comes along, most women are too afraid to ever be able to handle him. It's simply that fear that ruins everything. The fear alone ruins it. The women who are most successful with me personally are the ones with little to lose and much to gain.
High vibing men respond to love. This is why I stress so much HEART CONSCIOUSNESS. Heart consciousness erases the fear, gives power and then when a man like this comes along, the fear that ruined everything before is simply gone. MEDITATION. I don't care when, what, why or even how you meditate. Meditation could be smelling and picking the roses to you, I don't care, just as long as the heart begins to bloom open.
Fear is just a notice that says “Love is not here. I am empty and love is needed to fill me up.” Then when love comes, when the heart bursts opens, the fear goes away and successes start occurring. Life starts having a storyline to it, like in a movie. It's pretty trippy! And until a person experiences it, they won't know it.
It has to be understood that fear is just an indication that love is missing. It is nothing more than the “check engine” light in a car HUD.
Thing is, you ARE free. You are not obligated to anyone, and because you are free you have absolute power in determining your own reality. All of these “musts” and “have to's” are self-imposed obligations. No one is forcing them upon us except for us. And when that realization happens, they drop away and life becomes more about love rather than paying the bills. And because we hold the responsibility, we can just let it go. Just let it go and freaking relax for once. It's more like an allowing to leave. We just allow the tensions, obsessions and obligations to leave.
Once all of this tension leaves on it's own, without forcing anything to happen, we become enabled to make real choices. It's like an “On” switch turns on in the brain. Choices with inspiration and love behind them instead of tension and anxiety…What a concept!
Once we are relaxed, love is that much more present. Love bubbles up out of relaxation.
This is what leads us into the kind of relationships that we have always wanted, the kind of love lives, you know, full of love, growth, awareness, respect. This “inside a boyfriend's mind tricks” BS won't get you there. 😉
Haha, alright that's all for now,
p.s. If you haven't already signed up for my heart centered dating/relationship tips newsletter, type your first name and email up in that box with the tree and the “Free Report”.
NOTE: You can find part 2 of this post at History of the Sexual World, Part Deux!
What I'm going to show you today is going to be very in depth, so if you're not prepared to get your brain fried today you might want to skip over this post.
Most men and women don't have a clue as to why they live in the relationship circumstances that they do… I'm talking about things like jealousy, cheating, anger at men, anger at women etc.
All of this stuff wasn't as prevailant as it was just a few decades ago.
What has changed?
To understand the relationship and dating world of today, you must know where it came from.. Yes, there are reasons that deal with specifically you and your partner, but there's also a very important historical reason.
Let's get this first point straight away: Men have been dominant over women since the dawn of mankind.
Yes it's terrible, but it's a fact you must accept.
Women have always been subservient to men, and in many respects still are today.
And the fact is that out of THAT, everything in our current dating ==> relationship ==> marriage structure has been built around.
Man has always had a sick desire to own and control women.
In the middle east women STILL wear veils over their faces to show they are owned by a man, in the west, women wear a nice giant diamond ring.
It's similar to luring a bear into a trap by sitting jars on top of jars of honey over a leaf covered pit. 😀
So, finally after CENTURIES of being miss treatment, brutalized and burned at the stake for witchcraft, women got their payback.
The first women's movement came rolling along and gave women more power, rights and privilege than they had ever known before.
But this wasn't that impactful on the state of relationships.
The first women's movement had more to do with BASIC human rights.
It wasn't until the 60's and 70's and the second wave feminist movement that things started changing in a DRASTIC way.
This was the SEXUAL revolution and many women were tired of being housewives.
Women started becoming the sexual equal to men.
They no longer wanted to get married at 19 years old and they started enjoying promiscuous sex.
And what did this do to men?
They FREAKED out.
They either tried to go with it, freaked out or clung on for DEAR LIFE to their old traditions. Men had it a certain way for so long that they didn't even know how to keep it that way.
It was unconscious.
It just “was”. Now, women were free… and PISSED at men.
Even if it wasn't conscious, the majority of the second wave feminist movement was fueled with revenge.
You can still see some of those front-liners today with their grown out beards, undyed hair, armpit bushes and jungle-like unshaven legs.
These women were pissed off and finally their time had arrived.
Look, there are 3 phases that relationships have historically gone through.
1. Macho Jerk/Housewife Phase: This is dominance that we just went through and the stage that men during the sexual revolution wanted to hold onto
2. Equals Phase: This is the point we just got to – the second wave feminist movement where women gained equality with men.
So women finally became equal to men and started getting a breath of fresh air.
They moved into the work force, starting going to school in greater number and even started serving in the armed forces.
Things were finally getting set on the “right track”… or were they?
As the next 30 years rolled along from the 70's to now, women as a collective hit a debuoyancy point.
“Debuoyancy” is a term used in free diving when you dive so deep that the water over you becomes so heavy that you no longer float back up to the surface like normal.
The weight of the water starts pushing you down.
It's just like when you're a kid and you can swim in a pool as deep as you want because you know you can come back up pretty easily.
Women were floating along free, enjoying their new found freedom to dive as deeply as they wanted now… but they didn't expect there to be a point where they would not be able to come back up so easily to where they used to be… they would have to fight that terrific pressure all on their own.
The pressure was that of the state of the relationship culture.
From the time relationship when on from phase 1 to phase 2, relationships lost all polarity and structure and stunk. Men were no longer acting like MEN, and women were no longer feeling like a woman.
It was almost as if the roles had reversed in an unnatural process.
So, if you ever feel feelings come up that you don't feel as much like a woman as you want, take a look at this.
Men and women were MEANT to be polar opposites with each other, positive and negative, yin and yang.
The polarity is what cause the magnetic attraction with you and a man.
But now it was positive and POSITIVE.
You know how when you try to force two of those little round magnets together… if you put them on one side they cling together and the opposite they want to push away from each other.
Well, what happened with relationships is women flipped over to + just like men and when you try to push two of the same charges together, they want to PUSH AWAY.
The third phase is:
3. Heart Conscious Polarity Phase: When both men and women consciously choose the polarity of the first phase with the consideration of the second phase and the love of this third phase.
Thing is, love is a very rare thing.
Everyone always talks about love, all of the schools and churches talk about love; everyone talks about love.
But, if there was as much love in the world as we go on blathering about, the world would have turned out to be a much different place.
Fear and anger wouldn't be there and suffering would be a thing of illusion, but this is not so.
Fear, hatred and suffering wait for you right around every turn.
The whole HISTORY of men and women has anger and fear in every nook and cranny.
It's one of the biggest reasons why you have faced so many problems with men – fear and hatred.
Fear is the complete opposite of love and hatred is love flipped upside down. If love were there, there would have been no need for the feminist movement.
Love is the cure for the diseased climate of our relationship world.
But as you've probably found, it's quite easy to fall out of love.
He does just one thing to trip over your trust and all of a sudden the love is now deep anger.
But look, where I want you to be at the third phase. This is the most POWERFUL phase and where everything I teach you is geared to get you to.
You are looking for some MASCULINITY in your man today… and he is looking for love, where as before women were looking for love and men were looking for a “real woman”… which is a really bizarre thing!
The second phase helped give you two a taste of empathy for each other… IF you have the eyes to see it.
Thing is love very easily can turn to hate, and no one has every properly taught you what love is and what to do with it.
Instead hatred is encouraged in wholesale amounts.
It's almost like men are supposed to hate women and women are supposed to hate men… it's insane.
It's EASY to love when you're younger right?
But as you grow up with everyone around you telling you to get a job, a career, your friends teach you to trick and manipulate men, you're starved of love from the very beginning with cold parents… you become more and more corrupted by the world and lose touch with that innocence… and innocence is definitely NOT a bad thing believe it or not.
Love is one of the most innocent and pure things. Doesn't that just make sense?
It's more of a process of dropping all of the garbage around it. The garbage is something that both the power hungry men and the hairy feminists have been living and breeding in.
All of this has accumulated to give you the present circumstances of the sexual world and why you are dealing with the exact problems you are.
The thing is, you have individual choice to make your love life the way you WANT.
Now that you have a taste in your mouth of the history, you can start making the choices a lot more easily.
p.s. you can find part 2 of this post here.
Self-improvement happens to a woman who does not accept herself.
When she doesn't accept herself – and the non-acceptance comes from guilt – she becomes driven to improve and to become something unnatural than what she really is.
“Self-improvement is masturbation” is a quote from the movie Fight Club.
I actually didn't understand the quote for the longest time… I was too busy trying to improve!
Only when I stopped trying to improve myself and began to accept myself exactly the way I was did I realize exactly what it means.
When you want to improve upon yourself, you are dissatisfied with the way you are.
If you want to improve a house, you don’t like it the way it is. If you want to improve a car, you don’t like it the way it is. But when it comes to self improvement, not accepting yourself is a death sentence to happiness.
You start reading books and you begin to stop living life.
A heart full of love has no desire to become something else. When you are in love, love is all that is needed.
The Beatles hit the nail on the head when they wrote “All You Need is Love”.
When there is love, what possible reason would one have to improve upon it? There is none.
But many people have no love, and when love is gone there is fear.
So, the loveless and dead ego sees a necessity to improvement on the self.
A voice inside says “There's nothing inside here it scares me… Let's do something about it!”
Your logic says “I don't have it so I will go get it.”
Living life without love is like trying to drive a car without oil. There’s just metal grinding and clanking up against metal without lubrication, without something soothing to coat everything.
A car without oil is very loud. It sounds just like a jackhammer with all of the metal clanking around.
We intuitively know that feeling good and love is THE way to go, and today it seems self-improvement is the path of choice for most.
The greatest irony is that when we do accept ourselves and even to seemingly ridiculous and painful circumstances, we become what we were trying to improve to in the first place.
It doesn’t come as a result of trying to get somewhere, it comes as a result of relaxing.
Trying to get somewhere is the opposite direction of where happiness and love is.
There is no doing or trying required at all, just relaxing… just enjoying life!
Then, out of nowhere without even looking for it, love floods a person’s body like a hurricane.
It's the truest way.
You get somewhere with self-improvement, but it’s a very watered down version of the real thing… the same way that masturbation is a watered down version of passionate, experimental, 12 hour long Tantric love making.
The point of self-improvement is to be happy, but happiness can't be attained like a trophy.
It’s something that is already there inside of you and on occasion – like at a party, with a lover, riding down a rollercoaster – it gets released for some fresh air.
It's always right there in you, but guilt, fear and mindless restlessness keeps it from coming out. You need to get rid of all the “junk” you don't need in there. The inner is MORE important than the outer.
Happiness is “achieved” by getting rid of the junk that piles up rather than finding it somewhere.
Guilt, fear and the restlessness must be let go of, and when I say they must be let go of, there is no effort involved. You simply unplug the power cord. It takes energy for your body and mind to function, and how that energy is used is up to you. The energy needs your cooperation.
As soon as that happens, relaxation becomes possible, the base of love. It sweeps over one like the night sky at dusk.
When this relaxation comes, love comes. When a person is so full of love and happiness, what need is there to improve upon it? When a beautiful, attractive lover is around to have sex with, what need is there to masturbate? It’s ridiculous and unnecessary! In fact there is no desire to do so.
When you have the real thing, the false thing no longer has any value. The love and relaxation happens right then and there, right now.
A relationship is one of the most illogical things. There is nothing wrong with this, in fact, this is one of the many things that make a relationship absolutely beautiful.
The problem comes when a person attempts to make a relationship something logical, something with reason.
Relationships, love, happiness, relaxation are all beyond the edge of reason. You will never know them by staying in what is familiar, staying in what you know and have taken apart and figured out like a Lego set. To be in a relationship, and to actually be happy in it, you have to let go of any kind of logic you are holding onto. You must through away the Lego directions and build whatever it is that is coming from within you.
Here’s a logic that many women are familiar with: “I feel like I need to be doing something right now, and if I don’t I shouldn’t be able to relax. I don’t deserve it. I don’t deserve to relax.” How ever illogical this sounds, it has a very fundamental logic to it. The logic being if she doesn’t do, if she’s inactive at any moment and not stressed to the brim, she is undeserving… but this is a complete irony! Because she does and feels compelled to be stressed, this is why she feels undeserving.
And this logic stems to even more of this kind. It begins to grow like a giant weed in a beautiful garden. Then it’s “I cannot love this person because I am too angry and unhappy” then to “I hate this person because they have wronged me”. The chain can continue to grow like this.
When you trap your love life into the realm of logic, this happens. Just how logic is a dead thing, the relationship becomes a dead thing. Finding love becomes a dead thing, mechanical. Love, the life force of a relationship wilts, dries up and turns to dust. You then find yourself bored and tired and struggling against those feelings of trying or becoming stressed to make this thing work.
To be in love with a lover, and especially yourself (which is most important), you have to forget any kind of reason for anything. There is no reason to feel happy. There isn’t a reason to be in love. Love and happiness are completely without any logic and are completely against it. When the logic goes out the window, then a very interesting thing takes place: one begins to relax finally.
It’s no wonder why science, society and every other logical entity is completely against it. It’s no wonder why our logical society is so devoid of love. That is very important to understand. It’s because love and happiness are of the most fundamental states of our being. It’s no wonder why everyone wants to be happy. They want to feel natural again, the way they did when they were 4 years old playing in a sandbox, escavating for buried treasure for absolutely no reason at all.
You can’t do anything to be happy, in fact it’s quite the opposite. The way to become happy, in love is to stop doing… to become relaxed. Relaxation is when you stop doing. You quit thinking, you give up your obsession of wanting to be perfect, you give up your need for approval from others, you let go of anything and everything your work stresses you about and you simply relax. This is the doorway to happiness.
By letting go, by relaxing, there’s a tendency for a fear to arise: “once I relax, things are going to go south.” You’ll be relaxed and things will begin to go wrong everywhere because you aren’t on edge to see what is going on. The blood vessels in your eyes aren’t bulgy, achy and red enough to watch for danger at every moment anymore. “If I let go, what will my life become?”
This is just another thing to be let go of. The logic has been running the show for so long that it has taken control of your entire being, like a virus. Logic is just a part of you, one that should be kept in its place.
You will see that as you begin to not do, you will begin to accumulate energy. You’re tanks will be filled and instead of running around on empty all of the time, trying to fill up at every moment only to waste what you had by taking the energy to fill up again. You will have a FULL tank.
And because you are full, you bring that same energy into your relationship.
Look, if you still think that relationships have anything to do with the other person, relationships are 80% you and 20% the other. As much as we want to believe that there’s someone out there that can solve our problems, it’s really us, and there will be many layers to go through. You will peel through one layer and then another will come up.
The trick is to just look at it as it does. No reason to do anything, just look at it as if you were looking at a bonfire burning away at night on a calm beach. Look at is as if you were looking at waves crashing as they came into shore. No need to put any effort into the layers that come up, you get more accomplished through not doing anything about it than if you were to try to do something. You don’t peel the layers off, the layers peel themselves off.
If we choose to live only in the logical world, that of rules, your job, streets, time grid, everything around you that can be measured, we will suck the life force out of ourselves, out of our relationships and we will live without love in the heart. We will be living out of harmony with our illogical nature and will continue to carry around a feeling of powerlessness.
If we learn to accept the illogical world, we let go of the need to do and just pull back and do nothing. Then a great beauty sweeps over us without any trying, without any doing. Without even wanting it, it just happens.