Getting A Guy To Commit
Have you ever been with a man who you really enjoyed and who enjoyed you, but when the time came to take things to the "next level", you were willing move up, but he wasn't?
Maybe he even gave you nice excuses like "I'm not ready for a committed relationship."
"I need my freedom."
But somehow, you knew that there was something else going on?
Why is getting a guy to COMMIT to one woman an insurmountable task?
Why are so many guys commitment phobes?
I'm about to expose to you IN DETAIL everything you've ever wanted to know about getting a man to commit...sound good?
Honestly, this is not a subject that needs addressing.
This is an insignificant challenge if you follow me on all of the other things I go on blathering about.
But, there's too much pandemonium around this topic, so much that I absolutely must give you the straight facts on this situation.
The Difference Between Men And Women
Many women I teach are very comfortable with the "now" moment. They love living in the present, with all of the emotions, excitement, rush and sometimes drama that happens.
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But women worry about their future.
Here's a fact.
The most future oriented woman doesn't come close to the least future oriented man. Most women worry about their future, much more than men.
But men are the opposite.
Men are more comfortable with their future plans and ambitions and worry more about right now. The most "present" man is nowhere close to the least present focused woman. Men actually have a much harder time playing and enjoying, much more than women.
Women are natural partiers...men are natural planners. That's what we feel most comfortable with.
Let me explain.
When a woman hears about a social event that she must go to, she doesn't think twice about preparing herself, getting dressed and made up to go.
When a man hears about the same things, he stumbles around and "weighs his options".
A girl feels more uncomfortable with their future while guys end up more uncomfortable with the celebration of right now.
Women celebrate constantly. Compared to guys, girls celebrate ALL OF THE TIME. Make no mistake.
It may not seem like it, but a man's world is entirely different.
A woman can look at her entire life as a celebration, she can look at everything with "serendipity". Everything is occurring as a long celebration.
Men only celebrate when invited to celebrate. And even then, many men find it hard to open up to it. They only manage to get a few minutes of celebration in before they feel uncomfortable. Even while celebrating he is somehow looking for a goal!
This is among the reasons why men like women and women like men. Men bring women a future and women bring men celebration.
Point to be learned?
Women Worry About The Long-Term While Men Worry About The Short-Term
Girls have the impending fear of growing older. It seems to always be lurking there in the back of her mind.
Because of the fear, she makes the most of right NOW. She's young, vibrant and wants to celebrate it. The future, to her is some far off thing. And she is respected the most by society when she is YOUNG.
Feminine youth is celebrated to an incredible extent.
Men are not at all respected when they are young. Men are seen as sex addicted punks. Men only become respected when they mature and age and BECOME respectable.
Men ripen with age. Women decay with age.
By the time a woman hits a certain age, she is thrown out, rejected by society. She is no longer valued.
If you've ever wondered where the feverish restlessness comes from for needing so badly to get married and needing to secure her future before it falls out from under her, this is where it comes from.
Even from the beginning, girls are already thinking about marriage at the age of five!
They have their barbies and fantasize about marrying prince charming...which doesn't happen as easily as she hoped for.
This is the whole "polarity" of men and women. A woman wants a man to be able to secure her future a man wants a woman to help him enjoy his life right now.
Women enjoy love, men enjoy freedom.
So the question is, how do you get a guy to want love?
This all leads to a fear of commitment in the long term for a man.
His "youthfulness" is rejected and he begins to obsess about, in the same way a woman's "oldness" is rejected and she obsesses about it.
To handle ANY kind of commitment objections, take your relationships and dating experiences with him as a TODAY EVENT ONLY. You simply tell him "Our relationship/dating/whatever is a today event only, and if we should be together again tomorrow, then that is how it will be. But as long as we are together right now, I want to be with you completely."
It's not hard to do this!
A man wants freedom, so you simply give him what he thinks he wants! We love the people we love because they give us what we need, so give him what he needs.
The words aren't as important as the energy behind the words. If you can be calm and playful with this, he'll think you are the coolest woman alive.
You must let go of the fear of losing him. This is a basic pillar of relationships that needs to be taken care of immediately. In my world, it goes without saying!
Let me say it again.
*You must let go of the fear of losing him*
The fear of losing him only pushes him away, so drop the idea.
The thought of saying something like the above quote automatically strikes fear into the heart of many women I teach.
Because they're "needy" for the man. They want to possess him and make sure he will never leave her.
I'm all for making miracles happen, I've seen MANY CRAZY things happen in relationships that are almost unbelievable, but this is not something that can make a miracle happen.
90% of women fear their man leaving them...and you know what?
90% of these women are left by the man...and they start wondering "What did I do wrong?"
The fear actually makes him pull away.
Most relationships today are VERY possessive.
Here, I teach you to allow him to be free.
Remember, he has come to you out of his own freewill because he felt GOOD around you and wanted to stick around you to continue the good feelings. If he wishes to stay, he should do so out of that same freedom.
Here's the twist.
Allowing his freedom causes him to STAY.
Would YOU want someone around who wants to possess you?
Probably in most circumstances you've been in with men who became needy, you began to need more and more "space". It might have even repulsed you.
It's the same thing for a guy too.
And when you begin to look at relationships in this way, the relationship itself is able to BREATH. It gets a shot of adrenaline and is resuscitated.
Just like having all of the windows in your house open and allowing a fresh breeze to come in.
But you enjoy that breeze so much that you shut all of the windows to close it in. But soon, very soon, that air turns sour.
But, you didn't realize your joy of it came from it's freedom!
The freedom of that breeze to pass in and out of your house is what made it so cool, gentle, relaxing as it moved freely across your face.
Once you tried to possess it by closing all of the windows, it turned warm, stale and smelly.
See what I mean?
We can always plan for tomorrow, but we really never know what it will bring until it's here. People get into marriage prepared to commit their entire lives together, and do you know what happens? More than 50% fail and the other 50% are miserable. They are absolutely miserable, don't fool yourself into believing otherwise.
There are only a few exceptions, and they are the ones who get and follow what I'm saying here.
Most marriages are unhappy, angry, fight, bicker, cheat, lie all the way until death do they part.
But, love thrives on this moment only!
You can't say for certain that you will love someone in 40 years time
All you know is that right NOW you feel like you can spend the rest of your life with this person. Right NOW. And let that be as beautiful as it wants to be.
There's something else that needs to be said.
This thing psychologists go on about waiting two years before you getting hitched because that's when the hormones die and you can think more clearly about your decision is a CROCK. Whether its two hours, a day or five years, the future is STILL uncertain.
I've had many couple come to me after being together for a day who have the same problems as a couple that has been together 16 years.
Some are together for a week, get married and live happily ever after. Some are together 14 years, get married and regret it the 15th year.
From the many women I've coached in relationships, the happiest, most successful couples have dropped the idea that they will be with someone forever.
They come to me with an illusion of how they want things to be like that even THEY know is hollow.
That's when it becomes a possibility. But it is not a possibility as long as you hold onto the belief. You give your relationship it's best source of nourishment, freedom and love only when you become free yourself.
True love eludes most women because the second it comes into their life, they try too hard to keep it from leaving, but the very effort kills the love. Love is very fragile, and just like the guy himself, love must be given its freedom.
The same possessiveness that destroys the feeling of love is the same feeling of possessiveness that drives men away.
The "Paradox" Of Relationships With Men
But, this fear of insecurity causes many problems. Love is insecure. Love comes and goes as it pleases, and we try to hold onto it for as long as possible, until our tight grip squeezes it slowly to death.
Love, relationships, dating is a very gentle thing. It's just like a flower. Even the slightest bit too much pressure on a flower can crush it and make the beautiful petals start to fall off until it looks more like a weed. A marriage puts massive amounts of pressure on both lovers to hold up to impossibilities that can't be attained by the heart, by love.
Marriage wants commitment, but love is a free thing. marriage is cold, but love is warm. Marriage becomes boring, but love is always entertaining.
One with too much commitment of the unknown future will cause not death to the relationship, but death to the happiness of the individuals that make up the relationship.
Do you want a relationship to avoid loneliness to actually be happy and in love?
Somedays you will be unloyal to your lover and will want to do things a different way than he does. Some days you will not love. Some days you will love. There is no telling, but marriage does not account for that.
If you want a man to marry you and commit to the long term, you simply give him the option of making that choice. You want the man to commit, it has to be his choice to do so.
There is a need for room to breath, gentleness and no possessiveness. This is a very subtle mechanism that MUST be understood.
And the absolute irony is when we begin to look at it this way, the relationship THRIVES. And when the relationship thrives, it goes down the most ideal direction: a relationship filled to the brim with love and happiness. What more could you want?
When the pressure is taken off, all of a sudden, instead of feeling backed into a corner, he suddenly feels a freedom to choose. The pressure on both of your shoulders is suddenly lifted. And if the love is there, the choice will be absolutely clearly for love.
But you are afraid of giving him his freedom and finding out that the love is not there. The fact is, if you follow what I tell you - non-possessiveness, freedom, love, vibrancy, relaxation etc. etc. - you will automatically know why he is with you, out of love.
And these are not things that can be faked, games that can be played. No. They must come straight out of your authenticity. Only then will you know he is there for love out of YOU, not the game playing mask you put on. You mustn't be afraid to shine your cryptic Dracula-like innards out into the light.
The relationship is allowed to breath and grow. We begin to accept this lover for exactly who they are, and it becomes a sheer delight.
Worry disappears. It just disappears like morning overcast in the sun.
But, the second you trick yourself into possessing him, you're heart becomes broken. He cannot be possessed, and you know it. He is just as free as you are.
To get a guy to commit to you, you simply stop asking commitment of him!
Very risky indeed... but there are two possibilities:
- Allow him and yourself to be free
- Possess him and strike the fear of commitment into him
Men adore a laid back woman who doesn't ask the impossible of him, who doesn't pressure him. Drop female competition. Some is cute, too much is a nightmare for a guy.
Men love a woman who is relaxed and vibrant, not restless.
And then when you get rid of the possessiveness, and it's as simple as unplugging a power cord, and become relaxed about your future and confidently believe and expect things to workout for you in it's due time, all of the crisis falls away.
You can be in a committed relationship, but remember that each and every day it is a relationship, not by the years down into the untold future.
Whether you believe it or not, this is the reality.
When you live out of line with that truth, that's when all of the pressure begins to build and the commitment problems arise like a typhoon.
When you live in line with this truth, all of the anxiety in the relationship turns into gratitude for having such a wonderful lover in your life today.