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Emotions in relationships can be blinding, especially when fear comes up….fear about him cheating, thinking about other women, being angry at you or even leaving and never finding love in your life.
But here's the thing.
Fear is one of the most blinding emotions there are, because it “rationalizes” all of the reasons why you should be afraid.
This is why I (and many of my relationship expert friends) say to be careful of which emotions you decide to believe are true.
What do I mean by “decide to believe”?
If you feel a feeling of fear, for instance, it makes “logical sense” to believe that the feeling is justified and right because of all the reasons that show it's rights…when in reality it's actually not.
Here's what I mean.
Many women I coach are afraid of their boyfriend leaving.
They become so afraid that they become paralyzed and do NOTHING to help the situation. They are so consumed with the fear they can hardly breathe.
Instead, they make things WORSE by getting emotional with men, frustrated with him and begging him not to leave.
I know that's a hard to admit, but we've all done it.
All of these things tell a man that a woman is not “girlfriend material” and actually make him want to leave.
It's hard to believe, but if this point isn't accepted you'll continue to make men see you as not attractive and “forgettable”…even though he isn't doing his share (which we'll talk about later).
The point is fear makes you act wrongly with men.
Your fear says that the worst case scenario is happening when in fact it's NOT…and it's even possible that just the opposite is happening.
Carl Jung, famed social psychologist, tells of a story of a poor old man who discovered something MAGICAL while beginning to plow his farm for the start of the season, and destroys his only tool the plow.
This old man had less in his bank account than Britney Spears….
He was dirt poor, his wife and children had just left him for another man and all he had was his farm, an ox and an old plow.
He had started plowing his field for the start of the season when almost immediately his plow hit a large immovable object in the ground and immediately broke his plow in two.
He couldn't believe it. It was all he had!
He became afraid and so angry. “What am I going to do now…I have nothing left…You lied to me god! Why?!” He started crying and began thinking of suicide, when he thought…
“What did my plow hit anyway?”
He walked over to the spot his broken-in-two plow struck and curiously saw a big shiny golden ring sticking up halfway out of the ground.
He thought “This is strange…”
He began digging the strange ring up out of the ground, but it was attached to something much larger stuck deeper in the ground.
He spent an hour digging and heaved it up out of the ground. And when he pulled it up, it was a giant, heavy wooden chest.
When he cracked it open he COULDN'T BELIEVE what he saw. A chest filled the brim with gold doubloons , diamonds the size of fists, emeralds and rubies.
Where was the fear now?
In his greatest defeat was his greatest triumph.
That's to say that fear BLINDS. In your greatest fear is a great treasure if you know what to look for and how to see it.
Here's the next thing that's going to be a little harder for me to explain to you.
Another emotions that wouldn't suspect so easily to blind you is love.
Love is one of the most profound things on this earth (if not the most), but if you're not careful love can blind you in much the same way that fear does.
Because love can overwhelm your judgment if you're not careful.
That's why I always say to women who come to me that a woman MUST have some sort of meditation she practices if she's to have any hope of having a decent relationship. She needs to own her own willpower and just do it.
I have more than 20 different meditation I show women who come to me for coaching or try one of my products.
If you don't have one, you can be RULED by your emotions and become “asleep” to what's really happening in your love life.
The feminine world can be a scary place! I've never been there myself (thank god…), but I've seen what happens many times with my own two eyes.
It's so scary and chaotic that not even women seem to know what women want…
But the point is what do you think this blind view does to her love life, her relationship?Instead of a bonfire burning to keep her warm, her emotions turn into a wildfire burning every tree, animal and sign of life.
The feminine world has great power to be chaotic in a relationship, but it has all the power to bring life to it.
Here's the “secret”.
If you become what I call “yin feminine”, your emotions become attractive to men and cause men to want to bring love to your love life.
When you're balanced “yin” (and it's not hard to get there with the right information at hand), your emotions are attractive to men, and cause men to move towards you…and even want to be a better man for you.
Sometimes it's unreal how one little change can cause such a shift in love. But a fire can either keep you alive or kill you.
If you want to learn how to better balance your emotions and learn how you're emotions can actually be used to make you more attractive to a man, I highly recommend you signing up for my free “Confessions Of A Relationship Expert” eLetter.
You can do that right here:
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Thanks for listening to my psychobabble hocus-pocus and I'll talk to you again soon. 🙂
With balance and love,
If you read my Relationship Advice Articles, you know that I tend not to go down the direction of games, ploys, manipulation or “tricks”.
The truth is I like to make things really difficult for you…
But seriously there’s a very deliberate reason why I do this.
To heal your love life and relationship, you must first heal YOU.
To make a man attracted to you, you must first become attractive.
Let me explain.
Let me ask you a question.
Have you ever been in a situation with a man where your heart was completely shatter over something that happened between you two?
Maybe he cheated on you…Maybe he left you…Maybe you couldn't be together anymore….Maybe fill in the blank?
Well hopefully, what I'm about to share with you will change your entire perspective on what was actually going on here.
When “bad things” happen in your love life, they are actually good thing.
Incredibly good things are sometimes disguised in negative clothing.But there are two ways to look at bad events:
Let's just get this out of the way.
Do you really think it's at all productive to healing your love life to view the situation through number one?
I didn't think so.
The first one is not even based in reality. It's a falsity based on somebody who doesn't take responsibility for their own love life, and since people like us aren't like that, let's just throw that one out the window right now.
Number two gets a woman closer and closer to security, truth and love in a relationship.
Most women will look at a guy who:
…from the eyes of number one. And she finds an interesting thing: it gets her NOWHERE. It only destroys a little more of her self-esteem.
A woman that finds success in relationship and in love always sees her love life through number two. There's no other way.
It's easy for many women to go through number one because many women worry constantly about everything…even whether they remember to turn off the toaster before they left for work…but when someone worries, any “testing event” with enormous possibilities for understanding their own love life that comes along will be seen as negative and hurtful. The worrying was there and then the “bad” event just confirms the worrying. Then she goes on worrying into the future because she proved herself right.
“I was worried this would happen! I knew it would happen!”
But this is wrong. The only thing she proved right was that her focus of attention was in the exact wrong place.Let me explain with an example.
A woman has sex with a man and never hears from him again. She begins to get down on herself, feesl rejected and scared it will happen again in the future.
Since now we're focused on viewing bad events as valuable learning lessons to grow from, let me ask you this: What can be learned from a meditative place…not a reactive place?
…Just to name a few off the top of my head.Of course these are all things that need to be developed, and that's exactly why I developed the “Relationship Rockstar” training (more on this later).
Then, there are the specifics of learning WHY this man didn't want to see her again. What did she do to create that situation for herself? Did she hook up with a guy that she KNEW somewhere deep down would do this to her? Was she not vulnerable enough so the guy thought it was just a one time thing? Was she not loving and accepting of herself enough allowing herself to be used? What is there to be learned?
Typically, a worried filled woman would take this situation and begin to condemn herself for it all. “What did I do wrong?” she asks… Instead of “What can I do right?”
Do you see what I mean?
It's about viewing a situation positively rather than negatively…and from my experience viewing even the most horrendous experience through positive eyes pays off way more than the opposite.
There is no reason for self-condemnation…there's only reason for self-exploration.
The important thing about these learnings is they must come from a place of “proaction”, not reaction…from relaxation, not pain.
When I have taught this method to women, they automatically start thinking, “OK, I won't do this, and I won't do that. I'll be more of a bitch. I'll close down more so people think I'm cooler.”
They are shooken up from the event and are reacting. So, the first thing to do is to go relax: get a massage, meditate, take a jog, enjoy the park, enjoy the sun and the cool breeze…whatever it is that takes the tension out of you.
Since I know you are at least trying to be responsible for your love life, sart cutting your actions from what happens to you in life.
Choose your actions, don't let your actions be chosen for you by the circustances.Then, the next thing to do is to see the event as a “test”. It was nothing more than a test to make sure you're on the right path and to make you stronger. What lessons was the test trying to teach or remind you of?
Taking the negative situations as tests take all of the worry out of the situation. Seeing every event that could negatively impact you as a positive one, one that enriches you, one sent to you to give you value will make you a relaxed, grateful person. From this place, less and less of these bad things and more and more good things happen.
It will erases those problems that seem to come up repeatedly and one's life will become more stable, more loving.
To start getting your emotions in balance, you must get on my “Confessions Of A Relationship Expert” eLetter where I send you newsletter with my most up-to-date relationship, man and love life secrets.
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So many think hate is the opposite of love. In fact it’s not hate. Hate is love flipped over on it’s head. Really, when you hate something, deep underneath it all, there is a love for it.
An example: I hear many people say that they HATE drama. I see it EVERYWHERE. If you ask me, their “hate” is a load of crap. 😉 Have you ever noticed how it’s those people that seem to take drama with them wherever they go? They actually really enjoy it; they have an unconscious love for it.
Pick out any three things that you hate about the opposite sex, a lover perhaps and somehow you’ll find that you like it in someway. You love to hate it.
Now fear is a different story. Fear is the true opposite of love. When you fear something, there is no possibility of loving it because fear is the absence of love.
Love is like heat. There is a source of heat, and there is no such thing as “cold”. There is no source of coldness. There is only a lack of heat. There is only heat, cold is what happens when heat goes away.
Love is exactly the same way. There is only love and fear is what happens when love goes away.
Think of anytime that you have been afraid and you’ll find you were not loving. Think of anytime that you were deeply in love and you’ll find that you weren’t afraid of anything. When you’re in love, you are completely fearless. Love makes one feel as if they could take on the entire world.
The important thing to recognize is you can only play with love, not fear. Fear is an illusion of what happens when the heat leaves. All fear is useful for is to show you that you are lacking in love, and to become aware of it.
The second that awareness happens, the fear leaves. Your awareness brings heat into the picture and warms the room once again. The awareness brings upon what is real and what truly exists, like love. Remember that fear doesn’t exist, it is only what happens when the fire has gone out and it becomes cold in the room.
This knowing is one of the most basic fundamentals of the underpinnings of relationships. When fear happens: fear of being left, fear of being cheated on, fear of x, y and z, just as fear is absence, the relationship will become absent is the fear is allowed to continue without awareness.
Fear is the greatest destroyer of relationships. It’s because fear is the opposite of what relationships are all about: love anyone?
Women fall in love with a man deeply and then a tremendous fear arises in them. I see it all the time. Of course then they are no longer in love. They’ve lost it and now they’re living in tremendous fear. Fear that propels them to do foolish and stupid things.
Then what do they do? They go out and cheat, play games, play aloof and do everything they can to be inauthentic. Then that vacuum of fear sucks all of the energy in the relationship bone dry. crazy.
Fear has to be forgotten about, and the focus has to come back on love… Love!
Love is what happens when a person begins to accept herself exactly the way she is: no need for improvement. Love happens when a person understands that there is nothing to worry about at all, and she can feel comfortable just relaxing… just relaxing. Not plaguing her mind with useless activities, but just relaxing, and letting all of the tension fall out of the back and shoulders… simply trusting that everything will work out just the way they suppose to.
I’ve done some thinking on self-improvement and I’ve come to this understanding: self-improvement is a waste of energy because it is the wrong path. You want to improve upon your existing circumstances, but you don’t realize that everything you’re trying to achieve will come from inside of you anyway. There is no improvements to be made. Everything you will ever want and need is already there.
When I say self improvement, I say anything of a goal. Anything that takes you away from this moment of joy and love and relaxation.
When the struggle to be a certain something ends, you can begin to relax and find the treasures inside. That’s where everything you could possibly want and draw from exists.
When there is relaxation, an acceptance of who they are just the way they are and their awareness begins to bring them to some heat, love floods the body. Fear is gone, relaxation happens and your energy begins to accumulate.
Ask yourself, would you rather be in relationship where you can just relax and have retained energy, or one where there is always fear and energy always dispersed and divided?
It’s as simple as bringing the energy, bringing the focus back to love.