Let’s get real: It’s super easy to label someone as a “toxic narcissist” when they’re not acting the way we’d hoped.
Maybe he’s been distant, didn’t prioritize you like he used to, or said or did something that hurt your feelings.
But before you dive into the idea that he’s a narcissist, let’s take a step back.
Is it possible that some of the issues stem from your own actions, expectations, or insecurities?
This is not something that many women like hearing…. but it has to to be asked if what you actually want is an abundant love life rather than a series of mistakes until you get old and die alone.
The concept of “narcissism” gets thrown around a lot, often by social media “relationship experts” who like to label any man who isn’t perfectly attentive as “toxic”.
But let’s take a deeper look at what might actually be going on here.
1. Are You Over-Focusing on His Flaws?
Let’s be honest—no man is perfect.
Actually, a lot of men do brainless, senseless, stupid things.
But sometimes, in relationships, it’s easy to magnify our partner’s shortcomings without recognizing our own.
Maybe he’s forgetful, or he didn’t text back as quickly as you’d like.
These things can feel hurtful, but labeling him as a narcissist over it might be an overreaction.
What Most Women Do Wrong:
They zero in on his mistakes, creating a list of grievances rather than looking at the whole picture.
A lot of women wind themselves up with a pity party that gets out of control with the help of their sincere (but sincerely wrong) friends.
They focus so much on his perceived flaws that they start building a case against him, fueled by their own insecurities.
What to Do Instead:
Take a step back and ask yourself if there’s any pattern to your frustration that goes BEYOND him.
Do you get upset at your mom or dad for the same things? The bus driver?
Are there specific behaviors that trigger certain feelings in you?
You need to reflect honestly on how you communicate your needs.
Sometimes, it’s about finding a balance between expressing what you want and being realistic about what he can give.
This ain’t no Disney fairytale. This is the real world, and many women have to learn the tough lesson of lowering their standards (and their pride) a bit.
(In my ebook, “Become His Goddess,” I go deeper into understanding these dynamics and learning to see both sides, rather than jumping to negative assumptions.)
2. Are You Expecting Him to Meet All of Your Needs?
When you’re in a relationship, it’s natural to lean on each other for support.
But if you find yourself needing constant validation, reassurance, or attention, it’s easy to feel let down when he doesn’t meet every single need.
This doesn’t mean he’s narcissistic—it might just mean you’re placing too much weight on him to fulfill your happiness… and probably that you’re not effectively communicating what you need from him in a way that he understands with his male brain.
What Most Women Do Wrong:
They expect him to be everything for them, from emotional rock to best friend, partner, and therapist.
When he inevitably falls short, it’s tempting to chalk it up to him being “emotionally unavailable” or “self-centered.”
What to Do Instead:
Reflect on areas where you can take responsibility for your own happiness. A balanced relationship allows both partners space to be themselves, rather than relying on each other to feel whole. Find fulfillment in things outside the relationship, like hobbies, friendships, and personal growth.
(In my free newsletter, I cover ways to cultivate happiness within, so you don’t rely solely on him for emotional stability. It’s free to sign up and packed with tips for building a more secure sense of self.)
3. Is His Behavior Really Narcissistic, or Is It Just Different from Yours?
Sometimes we label people as narcissists just because they don’t show love or affection in the same way we do.
Most people are familiar with the 5 languages of love by now, and this is actually a very effective model to consider.
Does he show love the same way as you do?
Maybe he’s not overly expressive, or he prefers personal space, which can feel like rejection if your love language is quality time or physical touch.
But just because he’s not a mirror image of your preferences doesn’t make him a sociopath.
What Most Women Do Wrong:
They expect him to behave according to their own values and emotional language, rather than accepting him as he is.
They view his differences as flaws, which leads to unnecessary conflict.
What to Do Instead:
Learn his love language and communication style. Try to see his behavior through his perspective. Maybe he’s not pulling away—maybe he just needs time to recharge or express love differently. This openness will help you understand him more deeply.
(For more on understanding male communication styles, my ebook offers a comprehensive guide to decoding his signals and building a stronger connection.)
4. Are You Playing Into Social Media “Expert” Advice?
Scrolling through social media, you’re bound to come across relationship advice that blames men for everything.
This advice plays on women’s frustration, but never gives answers.
Some so-called experts insist that if he’s not giving you 24/7 attention, he’s an absolute narcissist. This narrative might be appealing, but it’s misleading.
Not every guy who doesn’t text back immediately is a narcissist, and a lot of women need to come to understand this or they’re going to wind up alone.
What Most Women Do Wrong:
They fall into the trap of labeling every issue in the relationship as his fault. They follow influencers who paint a one-sided picture, which can lead to unfair expectations and judgments.
What to Do Instead:
Seek balanced advice from credible sources, not just the most popular relationship gurus on TikTok. Relationships are about mutual growth, understanding, and compromise—not one-sided blame.
(I offer a unique perspective based on years of experience in my free email newsletter. If you want insights that go beyond superficial social media advice, sign up for more grounded guidance.)
5. Are You Projecting Past Hurt onto Him?
If you’ve been hurt before, it’s natural to carry some of that baggage into your next relationship.
You might interpret his behavior through the lens of past experiences, which can lead to unfair assumptions.
Just because your ex was emotionally unavailable doesn’t mean this guy is too.
The new guy that you’re dealing with deserves a clean slate.
This can even go back as far as a turbulent relationship with one’s mom or dad.
What Most Women Do Wrong:
They project their past pain onto him, interpreting every small action as a sign that he’s going to hurt them in the same way. This can create distance and resentment, even if he’s genuinely trying to connect.
What to Do Instead:
Take a moment to check in with yourself before reacting. Ask, “Am I reacting to him, or am I responding to a past wound?” This awareness can help you see him more clearly, without the shadows of past hurt clouding your perspective.
(In “Become His Goddess,” I provide tools to help you process and release past pain, allowing you to approach new relationships with a fresh outlook.)
6. Are You Missing Opportunities to Communicate Honestly?
Sometimes, when things don’t feel right, it’s easier to assume the guy is at fault than to open up about your needs or concerns.
But communication is key in any relationship, especially if you feel uncertain about his behavior… and doubly especially in a way that he can understand.
Instead of labeling him, try to talk about how you’re feeling in a sincere way without excess negativity.
What Most Women Do Wrong:
They avoid direct communication, choosing instead to hint, hope he’ll change on his own, or simply pull back emotionally. Other women will become on edge and lash out at their guy even if the guy doesn’t understand what’s going on. This can lead to even more misunderstandings and resentment on both sides.
What to Do Instead:
Open up a dialogue!
Share how you’re feeling without blame, and give him space to respond. Maybe he’s unaware of how his actions impact you, or maybe he’s struggling with his own challenges. A genuine conversation can often clear up misunderstandings and bring you closer together.
also be sure to know what men look out for when choosing to be with a woman.
(For more tips on fostering open, productive communication in relationships, check out my awesome ebook, where I cover strategies to help you speak from a place of authenticity and trust.)
Final Thoughts: Look Within Before You Label
It’s easy to label someone as toxic or narcissistic, especially when their behavior isn’t meeting your expectations. But relationships are complex, and more often than not, there are two sides to every story. Before you jump to conclusions, take a moment to reflect on your own actions, expectations, and insecurities. Sometimes, the problem lies not in him but in the way the two of you are approaching each other.
If you’re ready to gain deeper insight into relationship dynamics, join my free “Dating Tips Secrets for Women” newsletter at the bottom of this page. And if you want to go even further, my ebook Become His Goddess offers a roadmap to understanding men on a deeper level, helping you build connections that last without jumping to conclusions or playing the blame game.
Relationships aren’t perfect, but with a little self-awareness and open-mindedness, you can create a bond that’s authentic, fulfilling, and free from unnecessary labels.
